Vampire Biology
by Rebelina11
Summary: The absolute guide that will definitely tell us once and for all… what the heck is up with these mysterious folks - mostly according to me. Pam Ravenscroft gives us the skinny on vampire biology. Rated M for adult themes and language.
1. Chapter 1

VAMPIRE BIOLOGY

**The absolute guide that will definitely tell us once and for all… what the heck is up with these mysterious folks (mostly according to me).** ** I sat down with milkmaid extraordinaire Pam Ravenscroft so she could give us the skinny on vampire biology. She is currently in hiding, mostly for giving away secrets about her race.**

You can all blame treewitch703 and Northman Maille, both of whom gave me the idea, albeit unbeknownst to them.

Pam Ravenscroft does not belong to me. She belongs to Charlaine Harris, although Pam is her own woman. I belong to me, though.

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><p><strong>First Interview with Pam, Oct. 19 at 12:07 AM<strong>

**Reb: **How old are you, Pam?

**Pam**: I shouldn't tell you, because a lady never reveals her age, but in the interest of full disclosure I will tell you that I'm about one-hundred-sixty years old, give or take a decade.

**Reb**: You look great for your age.

**Pam**: Thank you.

**Reb**: So… you don't age?

**Pam**: Nope, not at all.

**Reb**: Can you cut your hair, or dye your hair, or cut your nails? Can you change in any permanent way?

**Pam**: We can cut our nails, but they just grow back during our sleep. Same with hair. I could cut my hair every night, I suppose, but it's too much hassle. I used to do it in the twenties, though, when short hair became the new fashion. As for dyeing it, it can be done, but then the hair starts losing its color with many shampoos and starts looking ugly. I've had to shave it all off and start new.

**Reb**: How did that work?

**Pam**: I just shaved it off and went to sleep. I had my hair back in the evening.

**Reb**: How about…?

**Pam**: You asked me if we can change in any permanent way.

**Reb**: Oh, yes, sorry…

**Pam**: We can't. They way we are turned is the way we remain for eternity, or until we are dealt the final death.

**Reb**: What are the ways you can meet your final death?

**Pam**: There are only two: a stake through the heart or decapitation. We can grow limbs, but growing a new head is a bit difficult.

**Reb**: Right… Which brings me to another question: what's up with silver?

**Pam**: You can think of it as us having a violent allergic reaction to it, nothing more. It's a race-wide trait, though, not like hay fever in humans.

**Reb**: How about all the others: garlic, religious items, mustard seeds?

**Pam**: Mustard seeds?

**Reb**: In folklore, sprinkling mustard seeds in front of one's home is supposed to make a vampire stop from entering the home in favor of counting the seeds.

[At this point Pam is laughing uncontrollably, drawing deep gulping breaths which I need to ask her about]

**Pam**: I suppose a vampire with OCD would stop to count the mustard seeds. Otherwise we would not do something like that. We are stopped from entering a person's home by another type of magic.

**Reb**: Can you explain it some more?

**Pam**: In essence, you have to invite us into your home, because you have to be aware that you are consciously inviting evil inside.

**Reb**: WHAT? But you look so innocent…

**Pam**: All demons work the same way. We cannot enter someone's home unless we are invited in.

**Reb**: And once someone invites evil inside, can it be uninvited?

**Pam**: Sure! Dogma rules us as much as it rules above. If it's your firm belief that by uninviting evil, evil will leave, then we do. Now, as for garlic and religious items, it depends on the vampire. Some people don't like garlic, same with vampires. The really old vampires are very superstitious and will stay away from religious items, but it also depends on the vampire. My master, for example, is not superstitious of the traditional religious items like crosses and rosary beads because he wasn't raised in that belief system.

**Reb**: Who is your master, Pam?

**Pam**: I'm sure you know him well, Rebelina. [She winked at me and gave me a sly smile. I was hoping to be introduced, not told that I knew him already, darn it!]

**Reb**: Do you need to breathe?

**Pam**: We only need to breathe in order to smell or talk. We don't have any other need. We don't convert oxygen to carbon dioxide, so actually a vampire would be the best to help a human perform CPR.

**Reb**: Are you affected by breathing helium? Would your voice go up?

**Pam**: Yes, our voice would change pitch because of the type of gas we would be exhaling, just like a human.

**Reb**: I guess everyone wants to know… why blood? I mean, there are other substances in the body; does it have to be blood? And is it only human blood?

**Pam**: The magic within us needs to be fed with live human blood. In dire circumstances we can imbibe animal blood, but it's not as compatible with our type of magic, the magic that animates us. Nothing else inside a human could sustain us because it isn't life-giving, only waste… except, perhaps, blood from a menstruating woman.

**Reb**: Let's not go there. Can you drink anything else? Water, wine…?

**Pam**: Sometimes small amounts of water do make it inside, but it doesn't affect us. Anything more than, perhaps, a few tablespoons, needs to be expelled. As for things other than water, the answer is no. All of that is incompatible with our system and needs to be expelled.

**Reb**: Expelled as in…

**Pam**: Vomited, for the most part. Sometimes it comes out through our anus.

**Reb**: My fault for asking. So does that mean that your intestines digest the blood you consume?

**Pam**: Well, yes, of course. Except that, unlike humans, we use everything we drink and don't waste anything.

**Reb**: I'm going to ask about sex, is that okay?

**Pam**: Yes, of course. Would you like to have some later?

**Reb**: Um, no. I'm happily married.

**Pam**: And…?

**Reb**: Um… thank you, but I don't want to cheat on my husband. Now, about vampires: it seems like men produce semen and women produce lubrication. Do you know what or how…?

**Pam**: The same way as humans. The men are missing live sperm, of course, but otherwise it's the same. Everything that our bodies secrete – saliva, semen, lubrication, blood – all of it has a much higher concentration of antibodies than a human's secretions. Our blood, in particular, contains the magical properties that keep us in the state of suspended animation as far as our aging goes, so it can help heal humans and keep them young.

**Reb**: So what's up with this sudden emergence of the drug V? What makes it different? Why is it so toxic to humans?

**Pam**: The longer our blood remains outside of our body, the more it has a chance to corrupt with the evil within it. If I were to give you my blood right now, it would be unpolluted and uncorrupted, and a perfect antidote to whatever ails you. Once it mixes with the impurities inside the vessel where it's stored, with air, et cetera, it becomes polluted. Extracting blood from an unwilling vampire is not exactly a clean process, you understand?

**Reb**: Yes, I do.

**Pam**: Plus, like I said, we are a type of demon. Our humanity keeps our blood healthy. Once it's separated from the vampire, the blood is all evil.

**Reb**: That is a little scary.

**Pam**: As well it should be.

**Reb**: Has anybody mapped out the vampire genome?

**Pam**: That is classified. I can neither confirm or deny it.

**Reb: Which probably means yes…**

**Pam**: It's better if you didn't know.

**Reb**: Okaaaay… in that case and to keep myself safe, I think I'm going to wrap up this interview. Thank you so much for answering all my questions.

**Pam**: You're not leaving so soon, are you?

**Reb**: I can't be glamoured.

**Pam**: Why not?

**Reb**: 'Cause I'm the writer and I say so, pretty much.

**Pam**: Well that just sucks.

THE END!

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><p><strong>AN: If there is anything you'd like me to ask Pam, let me know in a comment or review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thank you so much to those who submitted reviews and questions for Pam. It's making the interview process easier. I'll try to ask her the questions in the order I got them, more or less.

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><p><strong>Second Interview with Pam, Oct. 26 at 10:43 PM<strong>

**Reb**: Hi, Pam! Thank you so much for joining me once again here in… my mother-in-law's house.

**Pam**: I can't believe you were able to invite me inside. Is she not in?

**Reb**: Nah! You did say something about evil and inviting evil inside your home.

**Pam**: Touché. She must have done it already.

**Reb**: Why, yes! Yes she did.

**Pam**: What IS that thing?

**Reb**: It's her dog.

**Pam**: Are you sure? It looks like a creature from hell.

**Reb**: And how would you know?

**Pam**: Dogs are supposed to be cute, not have under bites and bug eyes. What would you like to talk about tonight, dear friend? You smell lovely tonight, by the way. What is that scent?

**Reb**: Thank you. It's Victoria's Secret Dream Angels Heavenly. Um… we did get a few questions, some of them of a racy nature, but I think we're past that by now. So I'm going right in and ask you the first question I got from both Duckbutt and sheknitsnicely: Since vampire males don't have any blood flow to speak of, how can they sustain an erection?

**Pam**: Does she?

**Reb**: Does she what?

**Pam**: Knits nicely?

**Reb**: Yes, of course. So she says. I haven't gotten my matching hat and scarf yet.

**Pam**: I crochets nicely. Anyway, back to her question, there are a few theories, but only one that we all agree makes the most sense: once upon a time…

**Reb**: Really?

**Pam**: Pay attention! Once upon a time…

**Reb**: In a land far, far away…

**Pam**: Don't make me bite you! Fine, I'll skip that part. Remember I said we're a kind of demon?

**Reb**: Uh-huh…

**Pam**: Well, the theory is that yes we are demons, but not exactly. Here's the main consensus: way back when a demon came over and decided to feed a human its blood. We think it was either a succubus or an incubus, perhaps more than one of each kind. As you know those are sex demons that seduce men and women: men to collect their semen, women to impregnate them with cambions. All right, so the theory goes that a demon fell in love with the human, but what you don't know is that succubi and incubi both like to suck blood. It's a sex thing for them. One of them must have gone overboard and nearly killed its human, and so it fed its blood to the human, producing the first vampire. The rest is, unfortunately, explained with magic, not biology. We are of the magic realm just like fairies, demons, angels, and so on. The only thing that separates us from the rest is the fact that we used to be human. So the theory goes that a maker passes on the original demon's blood to his or her children in order to make a new vampire. Of course, that's not exactly right, since we use blood to power our magic, so all the blood we've been given has been used. Some think that the main ingredient is stored in our spinal column, in the marrow. I mean, that's how humans make red blood cells, correct?

**Reb**: Right. But… How would the demons have known to feed a human blood to bring them back to life?

**Pam**: How did humans know to mix yeast and wheat flour to make bread rise? It's one of those things that just kind of happen, trial and error, serendipity. Duckbutt?

**Reb**: I can't believe you caught that now, Pam. The next question is from treewitch703…

**Pam**: Aaahh… the one who started all of this?

**Reb**: One of them, yes. She asked if you would explode from taking in too much blood.

**Pam**: Ew! Like a tick? Not possible. We would simply throw it up, just like a human who eats too much. Our stomachs can stretch just like a human's. We're not necrotic inside. As a matter of fact, after feeding our organs look almost alive. An old vampire like Eric uses smaller amounts of blood to achieve that state than, say, someone as young as me. Gorging on blood is not very appetizing. We do feel pain and discomfort, you know.

**Reb**: Your shoes tell me otherwise.

**Pam**: I'm a fast healer. It's what separates vampires from zombies.

**Reb**: Well, yeah… that and the fact that you don't want to eat my brains.

**Pam**: What type of blood are you?

**Reb**: Does it really make a difference in taste? The type? I mean, they're only "typed" by the antigen the blood possesses or lacks. How could you possibly tell the difference in antigens?

**Pam**: It's not complete fallacy. Someone who eats healthy and has less cholesterol and toxins running through their blood is more appetizing than someone who eats McDonald's every day. That is true. But, all things being equal, we can tell the different types. It's a very subtle difference, though. So what type are you?

**Reb**: A negative. But that doesn't answer my question, because that is only my blood type in the Rh system. There are other systems recognized by the International Society of Blood Transfusion.

**Pam**: A negative is not very popular.

**Reb**: I can't be glamoured, remember?

**Pam**: Pity. Anyway, Rh is the system that is best known among the population at large, and is what we go by. You don't happen to know your type in the ABO system, do you?

**Reb**: Of course not. But I'm glad you understand what I'm talking about.

**Pam**: I love blood, what can I say? You say you're from Puerto Rico…

**Reb**: I am.

**Pam**: But your blood type suggests your ancestors are from either Scandinavia or Central Europe.

**Reb**: Well, yeah… In 1815 Spain granted land to a bunch of European Catholics from places like Spain, Germany, Italy, Ireland and Scotland to help settle the island's interior.

**Pam**: There you go.

**Reb**: Anyway, the next question is from vikingtrubie who wants to know… Yikes! How is sex with Eric? Please feel free not to answer.

**Pam**: You know… it's been so long, but he is a great partner. Very giving. I see how your eyes light up when you speak of him.

**Reb**: I can't help it. Next question…

**Pam**: I see he's on your computer's background too… Oooo! Nice shot. I love that tracksuit.

**Reb**: The next question is from Northman Maille…

**Pam**: The other guilty party in all this.

**Reb**: Yeah, 'cause I'm twisting your arm here, right? She asked if there was any way to take DNA from a male vampire's sperm and put it inside a live man's sperm to make the vampire's baby. I guess the same question applies to a female vampire's DNA.

**Pam**: We don't like people messing around with our DNA. It is not human anymore.

**Reb**: Ah! So the vampire genome HAS been mapped?

**Pam**: Don't ask me that again and don't make me answer. Remember, whoever has the DNA of a vampire mapped out, has the DNA of a demon as well. Besides, even if it could be done, a male vampire no longer ejaculates sperm after the first few sexual encounters, because it is no longer produced. As for a female vampire, it is possible that we could harbor some dead eggs inside our ovaries, but from what I understand those cells are immature until they are released in the woman's cycle.

**Reb**: That makes sense. Um… Minnakoda asks if swallowing semen is bad for a vampire.

**Pam**: Nah! What's a little bit of fluid between friends? It's mostly water, anyway. Same goes for saliva and a woman's lubrication. That tiny bit of fluid doesn't harm us in the least. As a matter of fact, it is thought that it also contains part of what we need to survive. Why else would we crave sex so much?

**Reb**: Why else, indeed. Moving on… SVMLover1378 wants to know how come vampires have perfect teeth. It doesn't seem normal to me either, given the lack of dental hygiene of the older vampires.

**Pam**: Well, the older vampires did not eat any sugary things that could rot their teeth at an early age. You also have to remember that most vampires were chosen by their makers for their beauty. And nowadays you will not see any vampire with a missing tooth thanks to modern dentistry. That is something that can be easily fixed. Although in my earlier days I never met a vampire with ugly teeth. But I do have a secret to tell you: If you ask to see Eric's molars, one of the very back ones shows signs of decay that had already started. It's a very small spot, and he refuses to have it fixed. What would be the point, right? It's not going to get any worse.

**Reb**: Plus, who in the world goes to the dentist willingly? So, caraway seed asked since vampire tears are bloody, why not spit? And I would add the other bodily fluids as well.

**Pam**: Who told you our tears were bloody?

**Reb**: Um… the books, of course, and the show.

**Pam**: That makes no sense whatsoever. Tears are there all the time, moisturizing the eye. All our fluids are like our blood, containing a higher level of antibodies than human fluids. Our saliva also secretes the coagulant to heal our partner's wounds after we feed. Anyway, if we cried tears of blood, don't you think our whole eye would be coated with blood? We wouldn't be able to see anything! So, no. That was clearly poetic license.

**Reb**: Wow! Thank you. I always thought that was kinda icky. Balti K wants to know: what's the connection between sex and blood?

**Pam**: Oh, well… now you know we are descendants of succubi and incubi, so sex is an extension of who we are. Drinking someone else's essence is a very intimate act that often leads to thoughts of sex. Thoughts of sex often lead to the act itself, particularly with vampires. Okay, so here's the deal. Our saliva contains a sort of… mood enhancer, that acts upon a human's neurotransmitters and enhances the feelings of pleasure, sort of like chocolate, but more potent. That's why a vampire's bite feels so good when common sense would tell you otherwise. However, that mood enhancer does nothing if the vampire is taking blood from an unwilling donor, because adrenaline blocks the receptors for pleasure… in most people.

**Reb**: One final question from the readers, this one is from Kathy79: Have you heard of a type of vampire that can walk in the daylight, sparkle in the sun, never sleep, are venomous to their prey, have God-like brain abilities, can reproduce, are colder than a polar bear's ass, feel like marble…?

**Pam**: Rebelina, what in God's name are you talking about? Real vampires don't sparkle in the sun. They burn! And if a vampire was venomous to its prey, how is the prey supposed to replenish? Humans take a long time to fully mature. You can't be killing them off willy-nilly. What the hell is that about?

**Reb**: I don't know. It's those Twilight kids, they have me all confused.

**Pam**: Talk about poetic license… I've seen a lot of versions of the vampire biology, but that one takes the cake.

**Reb**: I forgot one question from Northman Maille… why is shifter blood so distasteful?

**Pam**: They're not human. We like human blood the best. I take that back. We like fairy blood the best, but it's like alcohol. Not exactly the healthiest diet, right? That first ever exchange was between a demon and a human, therefore humans are meant to be our meals. We can tolerate shifter blood if there is nothing else, but it's not the healthiest for us. Think of it as one of those nasty foods that are an acquired taste, like that Andrew Zimmern guy eating dead baby birds.

**Reb**: Do you watch that show? It's called Bizarre Foods.

**Pam**: I like the Travel Channel and sometimes I catch that weirdo eating an insect or two. Disgusting.

**Reb**: I can actually agree with you there. Those were all the questions I had for you tonight. Besides, we have to go because my mother-in-law will return any minute now.

**Pam**: Can she be glamoured?

**Reb**: Yeah, sure. Are you going to feed from her? You know what? I don't wanna know.

**Pam**: No, I won't feed from her, but you've been very nice and I would like to do something nice for you.

**Reb**: Such as?

**Pam**: How would you like her to forget she has a son?

**Reb**: God bless you, Pam.

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><p><strong>AN: I actually have a couple more questions in mind that I didn't ask. If there is anything you'd like me to ask Pam, let me know in a review or a comment. It doesn't have to be biology only. You can ask history questions or whatever else you'd like Pam to answer.**


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